My tears are in God's bottle-PTL!!!!

Wow, I have had some "hard grief" as a friend recently put it. Recently the tears poured out as the pain reached a depth in my very soul that was unbearable and there came a much needed release. People say "give it to God"- sometimes it spills over and we have no choice except to let it go. You see part of the story no one likes to hear is that on the day Beth died I did CPR until the ambulance arrived. Out of sheer desperation I wanted to do anything and everything I could do to save my Beth. My hands were black and blue the next day because I was not going to stop until someone else got there to help. The one thing I have needed to come to grips with is that Beth had already died when I found her. The plan for her to arrive in Heaven was already set in motion and there was really nothing I could do to bring her back. I hear stories about people living after these crisis moments- but her life that day was going to be lived out in Heaven and she would no longer live on earth with me. Accepting that God's plan is so so so so much bigger than I can even imagine is the hardest for me to wrap my mind around. That even though it does not feel good-- He is in Control. The day she was conceived in my womb, her days were written and I could not change this. There have been times when I have felt "peace that passeth all understanding", I have felt "thankfulness" in my heart in a way only God can give. This kind of thankfulness is gratitude and can only come from God---it says that no matter how dark, no matter how uncertain, no matter how bleak, no matter how confusing the situation is--- God is there, God is in control, and He is worthy to be trusted and He will help see me through during the darkest moments. I realized that there is something all of us have in common that we all feel- the saved and the unsaved---that "life is precious". But I am here to say that "Eternal Life" is "More precious" because this is where our HOPE should be----in "Eternity" in "HEAVEN"!!!!
Thanks again for listening.

Hey Beth--you were on the radio!!!

My dear Jodie talked to the radio announcer for 105.3FM at a concert. He asked Jodie about her bracelet--and she told him about Beth. He said "will you call me next week and tell how it has impacted you--losing your sister". It took longer than a week for her to connect but the segment aired this last week. I felt proud for her but yet as a mamma it was bittersweet. She told how Beth always carried her Bible to public school and wasn't afraid to tell others about Jesus. How now she has Beth's Bible and she looks at all of the highlighted verses and all the notes Beth wrote in the margins, which she said that this really impacted her and how important it was for Beth to read her Bible. She also told how the day Beth died--she rededicated her life back to God and how she has been growing ever since. As a 13 year old, she spoke with such maturity. The radio announcer said the purpose of the segment was to memorialize the life of Beth and show how Jodie has been coping with the loss and how she was a great example of a young teen out there making good choices for JESUS. Way to Go Jodie!!!!!!!

"Praying for your future Husband" by Robin Jones Gunn

Well part of my Elizabeth's story was published in a book "Praying for Your Future Husband" by Robin Jones Gunn. It came out this week just before Mother's Day---bittersweet when I finally got my hands on the book. At first we thought a reference to her was going to be only in the "Closing Thoughts" of the book but part of her story was also in Chapter 7--about 2 1/2 pages---well written and very moving. It reminded me of the very tender heart that Beth had. The sincerety with which she lived out her life. The compassion she had and the desires she had to follow Christ and be pure and holy. She also wanted to trust God in the area of relationships and little did we know that after being inspired by Robin Jones Gunn--she had been writing notes in her journal to her future husband and she had written letters to her future husband and placed them in a box under her bed. Her tender words move me deeply. I pray God will use her story to point other teenage girls to Christ and encourage them to live pure and holy lives as they wait for their one True Love.

"Hey Beth, your going to Tuscaloosa!"

Ok, before you think I have lost my mind----let me tell you the story. I have a dear sister, Edith (Edie), that lives near Memphis, TN. There is this lady who lives in the same complex my sister lives in. When Beth died, this lady saw my sister's bracelet, that my husband gave out in memory of Beth that reads--BE LIKE ELIZABETH........LIVE FOR CHRIST---in neon blue with neon yellow letters. Edie told the lady about Beth's story and she was very moved by the story and began to pray for our family. Then, she asked my sister about the bracelet and asked if she could have one. My sister said, "ok, I will give you one. if you plan to wear it, but if you don't wear it, I would like it back". Well that lady promised to wear it and wear it she has. My sister found out that the lady did volunteer missions work in the area. Recently, after all the bad storms came through, Edie ran into the lady and she held up her arm to let Edie know she was wearing the Elizabeth bracelet. She also told my sister that she wanted her to know that she was leaving for Tuscaloosa to help with the tornado disaster and she said---"I want you to know, I have decided that ELIZABETH needs to go to Tuscaloosa with me. I am going to use this bracelet as a way to spread the story about ELIZABETH and the hope that CHRIST offers us". WoW!!! This story has put a big smile on my face every time I think of it. I have looked up several times and said with a smile, "Hey Beth, your going to Tuscaloosa!" This is one of the many examples of how God is using my Beth-ie's story to spread the hope and faith we have in JESUS CHRIST!!!! Thanks again for letting me share with you:)

Easter in Heaven

As I was driving North today to Lacey for a PRN job I have, the sun was shining brighter than I have ever seen. I was soon reminded that tomorrow would be Easter and how could I come to terms with this being a special family day when my Beth is not here to share a card with, to share a piece of chocolatte with, to attend Easter service at church with, to eat Easter lunch with, to paint eggs with and then to eat eggs--YUM. I realized that since our kids were little, as a family we made Easter very special. Yes we celebrated spring, easter eggs, fun but most of all we celebrated the Resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. If Jesus had not died for our sins, if Jesus had not been buried in the tomb and most of all if Jesus had not been Resurrected then there would be no reason to celebrate Easter and there would be no reason to look forward to ETERNITY in Heaven where we will be united with all of our loved ones who have gone before us. Yes I can be sad that Beth is not here but most of all I can be overjoyed that JESUS IS ALIVE!!!! I wonder what Easter in Heaven is like.

So hard!

Grief truly comes in waves. You never know what will trigger it. My cousin died this last week. My dear Aunt, who I am very close to, has been guardian to her neice for a number of years and what grieves me is the fact that my dear Aunt is now grieving in this situation. There is really no way to get away from grief once you have experienced the loss of a child. I hear about a loss of any kind and it brings me back to my grief.

My Beth---she brought a lot of joy into our family. When she died--a light went out. Her sweet spirit lifted us all when we needed it the most. Her outlook on the fun things in life kept us all smiling----animals, flowers, trees, babies, rainbows, rain, snow, friends, cousins, family................ Many times I have wanted to have this same outlook, but recently, I am going through the motions----being happy---when I am really not happy----smiling when my heart is very sad. I know this is necessary but I am most thankful for those people in my life who let me be real---who let me say how it is-----who let me cry when I need to-----

New entry about my grief journey!

God is so good. Grief does come in stages and when an entire family is hit by a tragedy, I believe grief comes at different stages for each person. When we lost Beth, if we (all four of us) had been in the same stage of grief at the same time there is no way that we could have coped. Shock, denial, anger, barganing, depression-----many stages------and if we had all been angry at the same time---this would not have been good. I think each person, depending on age and life's experiences, and where you are at the time of the tragedy-----all determines what grief will look like for you. My husband has already attended 2 (I think 12 week) sessions of Grief Share which he has found invaluable. I have learned some things along side him but I have not yet attended any groups. A few things I have learned after losing my Beth and about grief: "lean into your grief"---------don't try to run from it; there is "secondary grief"-----grieving the loss of what will never be; it is hard "because it is hard"; when I want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head --this is ok because "God is under the covers, too"; "I have felt troubled" but God says "let not your hearts be troubled"--and that Jesus had gone to HEAVEN "to prepare a place for me"-----you see---he knew we would be troubled by loss and he knew our hearts would be troubled and he reassures us and gives us HOPE that there is a place where we will see each other again in HEAVEN!!!!! Wow!!!!!! Thanks God--for once again running ahead for us!!!!

Hope!

I want this blog to be about HOPE. This will be a place of HOPE in Heaven. We need to live our lives in such a way that we don't miss heaven. Each day we need to live like Heaven matters. We need to make choices in light of Heaven. If I live each day in light of Heaven, and make choices in light of Heaven, I believe this changes everything I say and do. My Elizabeth, who died February 19, 2010, has helped me to begin to live out My HOPE in Heaven. This Blog is dedicated to my best friend and wonderful husband of 20 years (08/31/2011) and to my 3 beautiful children and the many things they teach me......................